i agree with you dhaniah. love sucks if nothing happens to you. love sucks even more if you want something to happen but nothing happens. at least if shit happens, it's still something. but if nothing happens, that's just...nothing.

loves sucks the worst when you're doing almost everything you can, but nothing happens.

turn to stone
lose my faith
i'll be gone before it happens

- Madonna "Turn To Stone"

i'm going to forget about him. i've been waiting for something to happen, but since it hasn't happened until now, i'm going to stop waiting. cos it won't happen.

according to my tarot reading done by miss lee, for my love life i must be patient. i picked a seven of cups, and it was about psyche begging aphrodite to let her see eros. (how spooky...to think i was researching on eros and psyche!) so miss lee said it meant that i have to be patient and go through a lot of hardship before i can win my love.

i have gone through so much...i can't imagine what more to come. is it worth it for him?

nah. it's not worth it...i simply don't exist in his world. why should i pursue a guy who takes no notice of me?

what i want is a guy who worships me day and night and lets me slap him around. like that guy in My Sassy Girl.

ok here's the deal.

since you like playing games, i'll play it your way.

let's see if you can win this game!

i'm up for any challenge now. i'm fair game. i used to be down and dopey, but not anymore. it's me back in business.

hang on to your husbands, girls. cos i'm here to stay!

i'm sitting here in the AIR or some call it the art IT room using the big and beautiful computer. i just came from the audi where the guys were having their guy scenes. it was fun showing off my artworks and the guys went, "eee naked body!" at the cupid and psyche watercolor i did last friday.

i told nash the whole story of cupid and psyche, and everytime i paused for breath, he said, "huh? so it ended like that?"

they examined my decoupage of marilyn monroe on my art box and asked, "is she madonna?"

they saw my sketch of daphne and said, "why her hands like branches?" and i told them the story of how apollo wanted to rape daphne and she turned into a laurel tree to save herself.

then nash asked, "apollo is zeus issit?"

i had been talking to a bunch of baboons.

i think i better get off now. miss lee might come in any moment.

this is my third post of the hour.

it's the mosquito ring, i swear.

no matter how many times i try to suppress this ugly thought, i can't help but say it out loud.

I AM SO JEALOUS.

jealous of who? jealous of all those people who are attached. argh...i can't believe i just said that. i'm so damn fucking swallowed up with envy.

am i such an intimidating person?

actually yes i am.

but that's how i am, and i don't want to change. i want to wait for the perfect perfect perfect one to come along, but lately i'm getting fucking impatient. i know that for these things i have to let the goddesses decide but hell my fuse is getting shorter. fuck you eros for planting that arrow right through my head.

and what also drives me wild is that maybe HE is right under my nose (whoa he must be one hell of a short guy if he's under my nose) but i can't see him (since he is under my nose). guy under my nose, get out and let me see who you are!

what a fucked up world i'm living in.

but how beautiful it is!

i'm sitting here in my stinking uniform and inhaling the ashes of the mosquito ring wallowing in self-pity, but then i hear the gentle birdsong somewhere beyond my window. and the crickets' mating call.

i'm giving up on this certain boy. i have a feeling that maybe i didn't want him as much as i thought i wanted him. maybe i had just made a pretty suit of clothes and put it on him, and fell in love with the clothes and not him. like i said, we are all just dirt and water. i don't know if i liked his trees and flowers, or maybe i might grow to despise his dirt and water.

after all, there are other dirt and water out there that actually pay me more attention than that particular dirt and water.

even if there weren't any dirt and water, there will always be my dhani girl, betty boop and miss lee.

hokai.

been lazy, haven't i?

well the good things:

painted a lovely cupid and psyche painting
hair behaving well
skin at tip top condition
lost 1 kg
waist 23 inches
did my laundry
did my ironing

the bad things:
brand new (hokai, so it was secondhand) nokia 3650 kena stolen
mutti mad at me
me mad at mutti
ceased to exist in a certain boy's world
written report seriously undone

i'm feeling so sad...this is the worst PMS ever. my PMSes last 3 weeks. so you can pretty much say i'm permanently having PMS.

i feel that deep down inside i'm just plain as dirt and common as water. we all are. but it depends on what we shroud ourselves with.

some people plant flowers and trees. some people build palaces and skyscrapers. some people just leave things as they are, just dirt and water.

some people think that they are creme souffle and all the rest are jello. but we're not. we're all just unprocessed gelatin.

anyway i'm just rambling. there's no implicit meaning to my words, so don't think too much on them. i don't like thinking and i don't like to make people think.

i wish upon a star
wanna be right where you are
you set my world on fire
babe i got a crush on you
i wish upon a star
can't you see how right we are
we should be together
babe i got a crush on you
 
--Tata Young, "Crush On You"

even my mom commented that my face and neck color don't match.

maybe i've taken the skin-whitening thing a little too much to the extreme.

i'm an asian michael jackson...i need my oxygen room.

i had dinner with the birthday boy. since it was his birthday, i paid for his dinner, which was rather dismal. a bowl of rice, a bowl of soup, a little container of kimchi and a plate of mush.

still have lots to do. history outlines, pw survey rationales.

but i'm happy! giggle giggle giggle. things are getting better! at least i think my health's recovering, and someone's finally starting to notice my existence. whee~

why do people treat me like an invalid? being rejected from singapore idol isn't as devastating as you make it out to be. singing may be everything to me, but singing does not equal to singapore idol. and for your info, singing isn't everything to me. musical theatre is everything to me.

sheesh.

finally i can proudly say that i'm a singapore idol reject!

it was pretty fun, cept for that moment when i was singing. it was terrible! but well i had a reason to do badly. when that episode is aired on tv, watch my face carefully as i was singing. you'll notice that i was on the verge of fainting!

it's hilarious, i tell you.

i kept singing faster and faster and finally gave up. twice. and blew my third chance away.

i'm not as disappointed as the other rejects, save for dhaniah, but i shamelessly admit, i kinda liked the sympathy and "awwwwws" and "come-give-you-a-hugs" i got from those nicer people like gillian, celine and kelline (spelling??). and i also met some great guys like jonathan (the luckiest guy, i think), nelson, leonard (funny funny) and those names i can't recall.

hey, at least ken lim said i had potential. although he was just prolly staring at my chest.

i sound like rod stewart. the doctor poked my ass with a needle. i feel woozy. my skin is pasty and my hair is frizzy. my period's due.
 
and singapore idol tomorrow.
 
oh goddesses where art thou.
 
oh buddha protect me against mala.

my tongue hurts in 3 places. my throat is smarting from practicing. my skin is blotchy and pale. i just gained 1 kg.
 
i am so demoralized.
 
the judges are going to tell me to go home.
 
o goddesses. where are you when i need you?

spent the day lazing about the house. forgot to do my art box!!

so right now i've decided to papier mache the box and paint pictures of greek goddesses on it.

cept i haven't started.

i cant believe my mom.

she is so totally insensitive. she is so worried about my gym and spa membership cards and her measly popular discount card. she went ballistic when she found out i had not lost $30, but $80. HELLO!! the important thing here, like what my dad says, is NOT the fucking money but the fucking IC.

great.

she's got it in her head that the girl stole my wallet. or else some dude picks it up and sells my IC to a china whore for a few thousand bucks. so with my IC they can borrow money from loansharks and the loansharks will come over to our house and set fire and hang a pig's head at our door and rape me and sell me to a brothel.

then i told her about my library card inside too. and she went ballistic again, this time about the thief using my library card to borrow books and not return and i'll have to pay the fines. argh. that's so stupid, cos you can borrow books using the fucking IC, geddit you stretch-marked old cow of a mother?

she keeps blaming me, making wild exaggerations, digging up history she made up, acting like she never lost a thing (HA!) in her whole life. and she's my MOTHER. can't she even give me some support? i get more support from my pillow than from her.

finally she shut up when i told her i was going to report to the police tomorrow.

i may be having pre-menstrual syndrome, but that's still better than my mom. she has permanent-menstrual synrome.

it seems that my life is no longer a long drawn-out spongebob episode. instead of wanting to laugh every moment, i feel it's hard to smile and be polite to even my classmates. i snap at them like a snapper fish. just today i snapped at andy because he kept clearing his throat and it was really getting on my nerves.

i can't stand being with people for longer than 5 minutes. today before a level oral, i came and sat with my classmates, but something was bugging me until i had to get up and walk away on my own.

everytime i'm mean and short-tempered with someone, i feel like crying.

why do i feel so bad nowadays? why is it that every little thing somebody does is starting to really Really REALLY piss me off? why is it that when i walk home from school, i'm not smiling and enjoying the air, but sulking and staring at the ground?

either everyone is becoming extraordinarily low-IQed or i'm becoming a pre-menstrual bitch.

oh, fuck the solar system, like it's gonna make me pregnant anyway.

i am so pissed. i lost my wallet with everything in it. my IC, my ez-link, my student pass, my gym and spa membership cards, my popular discount card, my photocopy cash card, my 2 buddhist talismans, cash and the wallet itself.

i'm very sure it's in the bus, when i dropped everything on the floor, or else the girl who helped me pick the stuff up pickpocketed my wallet.

my dad kept lecturing me and rubbing it in and finally he concluded his lecture with, "anyway, you have to face it yourself."

to top it off i have a cut on my finger and it keeps splitting open.

i feel so down.

i will follow him
follow him wherever he may go
there isn't no mountain too high
no river so wide it can keep
keep me away

i love him
i love him
i love him
and where he goes
i follow
i follow --

spoken: you sick creep!

-- Jackie Chan, "The First Strike"

there's a really big problem with my blogger, my posts won't show up, so don't scream at me for not updating.

i keep telling myself that he is so wrong, but in the end i always look around to see his face.

not that he's all that good-looking anyway.

notice the guys i *really* like aren't good-looking to normal standards? whenever i tell people i think wong hei is the hottest actor in the world, people go, "eeee, that guy is so ugly!"

when i first saw him i thought he was really hideous-looking. i didn't even want to talk to him or get close to him. but well i had to, and he's really not a bad person after all. now i can't stop thinking about him.

what is wrong with me? i think i'd better wash my hair to cleanse my thoughts.

not been blogging for a long time.

my fingers were lazy.

OBS was bad. the instructors were sex perverts. especially the monkey-looking guy one from livingstone. eck.

school was ok. managed to live through the first week and managed to complete 5 essays out of the 7 i didnt do. so now i have 2 essays. plus another 4 more new ones.

somebody get me a paper bag.

singapore idol. i got insulted cos dick lee called me a chorus girl. uncle gurmit was nice. he was wearing lip gloss.

my mom's in bintang. enjoying herself at a spa.

my brother is on a three-day medical leave. his condition? too much shit in him.

i'm incapable of writing a coherent blog entry in prose form.