i cant believe my mom.

she is so totally insensitive. she is so worried about my gym and spa membership cards and her measly popular discount card. she went ballistic when she found out i had not lost $30, but $80. HELLO!! the important thing here, like what my dad says, is NOT the fucking money but the fucking IC.

great.

she's got it in her head that the girl stole my wallet. or else some dude picks it up and sells my IC to a china whore for a few thousand bucks. so with my IC they can borrow money from loansharks and the loansharks will come over to our house and set fire and hang a pig's head at our door and rape me and sell me to a brothel.

then i told her about my library card inside too. and she went ballistic again, this time about the thief using my library card to borrow books and not return and i'll have to pay the fines. argh. that's so stupid, cos you can borrow books using the fucking IC, geddit you stretch-marked old cow of a mother?

she keeps blaming me, making wild exaggerations, digging up history she made up, acting like she never lost a thing (HA!) in her whole life. and she's my MOTHER. can't she even give me some support? i get more support from my pillow than from her.

finally she shut up when i told her i was going to report to the police tomorrow.

i may be having pre-menstrual syndrome, but that's still better than my mom. she has permanent-menstrual synrome.

it seems that my life is no longer a long drawn-out spongebob episode. instead of wanting to laugh every moment, i feel it's hard to smile and be polite to even my classmates. i snap at them like a snapper fish. just today i snapped at andy because he kept clearing his throat and it was really getting on my nerves.

i can't stand being with people for longer than 5 minutes. today before a level oral, i came and sat with my classmates, but something was bugging me until i had to get up and walk away on my own.

everytime i'm mean and short-tempered with someone, i feel like crying.

why do i feel so bad nowadays? why is it that every little thing somebody does is starting to really Really REALLY piss me off? why is it that when i walk home from school, i'm not smiling and enjoying the air, but sulking and staring at the ground?

either everyone is becoming extraordinarily low-IQed or i'm becoming a pre-menstrual bitch.

oh, fuck the solar system, like it's gonna make me pregnant anyway.

i am so pissed. i lost my wallet with everything in it. my IC, my ez-link, my student pass, my gym and spa membership cards, my popular discount card, my photocopy cash card, my 2 buddhist talismans, cash and the wallet itself.

i'm very sure it's in the bus, when i dropped everything on the floor, or else the girl who helped me pick the stuff up pickpocketed my wallet.

my dad kept lecturing me and rubbing it in and finally he concluded his lecture with, "anyway, you have to face it yourself."

to top it off i have a cut on my finger and it keeps splitting open.

i feel so down.

i will follow him
follow him wherever he may go
there isn't no mountain too high
no river so wide it can keep
keep me away

i love him
i love him
i love him
and where he goes
i follow
i follow --

spoken: you sick creep!

-- Jackie Chan, "The First Strike"

there's a really big problem with my blogger, my posts won't show up, so don't scream at me for not updating.

i keep telling myself that he is so wrong, but in the end i always look around to see his face.

not that he's all that good-looking anyway.

notice the guys i *really* like aren't good-looking to normal standards? whenever i tell people i think wong hei is the hottest actor in the world, people go, "eeee, that guy is so ugly!"

when i first saw him i thought he was really hideous-looking. i didn't even want to talk to him or get close to him. but well i had to, and he's really not a bad person after all. now i can't stop thinking about him.

what is wrong with me? i think i'd better wash my hair to cleanse my thoughts.

not been blogging for a long time.

my fingers were lazy.

OBS was bad. the instructors were sex perverts. especially the monkey-looking guy one from livingstone. eck.

school was ok. managed to live through the first week and managed to complete 5 essays out of the 7 i didnt do. so now i have 2 essays. plus another 4 more new ones.

somebody get me a paper bag.

singapore idol. i got insulted cos dick lee called me a chorus girl. uncle gurmit was nice. he was wearing lip gloss.

my mom's in bintang. enjoying herself at a spa.

my brother is on a three-day medical leave. his condition? too much shit in him.

i'm incapable of writing a coherent blog entry in prose form.

if women were the weaker sex, the world would've died off a long time ago already.

women have to bear the pain of childbearing and endure monthly periods. victims of sex crimes are mostly women. women are ridiculed by men when they stand up for themselves, when they try to assert their power. women are slapped with labels like "bitch", "slut", "whore" and "cunt". women are expected to always be one step beneath men.

in stories, it's always young virgin girls being sacrificed for the vengeful god. it's always the female to be captured by some monster and having to be rescued by some knight. joan of arc led the armies of france to victory, and she ended up being burned at stake. wang zhaojun did not believe in bribery and stood her ground, and she ended up being sent to mongolia where she died of pneumonia doubled with homesickness. when the emperor has a harem of 3000 concubines, he is regarded as powerful. when evita peron tried to reform argentina, the people called her a slut and dangerous jade.

but despite all these prejudices, women are still alive and going strong. they are still bearing children. they contribute to the economy and the society. they can do things that men can do, equally well too. without women, the world will be missing half of its population. heck, without women, the world would not even exist.

face it, men. women are just as important as you.

i really need to do my homework. i still have 4 essays undone and i still have to study for the history test. and i'm going to OBS next week. DAMN.

i shall be more ladylike and girlie.

i will behave myself and keep my hands to myself.

with the exception to iron maiden, i will stop listening to meaningless death metal.

i will take better care of my nails.

i will stop destroying my hair.

i feel sick. i have a headache. and i feel like hurling my lunch.

i shouldn't have eaten SO much for lunch.

it was the mayo. it has to be the mayo.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i just had a 4-hour nap. and i still feel like hurling.

it must be the mayo.

mayo fuckin sucks. mayo suckin fucks.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know
But I can't change.
Tried to tell you but you look at me
Like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how
You'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it
Any other way

So take me as I am.
This may mean you'll have
To be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start
To make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it
Any other way

Just when you think
You've got me figured out
The season's already changing.
I think it's cool you do what you do

And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it
Any other way


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you're hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

I've been numbed, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it
Any other way

- Meredith Brooks, "I'm A Bitch"

again i shall speak on a topic that has no particular relevance to world peace.

MY HAIR FINALLY CURLED!!!

then the wind blew at it, and it's back to my frizzy waves.

anyway.

my brother got his medical scholarship. which is wonderful, so now my mom can finally go for liposuction AND a face lift, and she'll stop complaining how dowdy she looks.

see my bikini it's just the right size
don't you enjoy how it rides up my thighs?
look from behind it will knock out your eyes
i'll show you, my special trophy of war
for a marine i'll show more!

this stupid verse is stuck in my mind.

i don't believe in heaven or hell. i believe in karma and reincarnation.

how dare you curse me to go to a place which doesn't exist to me?

how dare you call me a pagan?

why don't you take some pointers from buddhism? accept and embrace all living things regardless of differences. instead of condemning non-believers and non-christians to hell.

just leave us alone. i am perfectly happy as i am. don't come waving your bibles at me, then cursing god because i stand by my own religion. spread the gospel if you wish. but ultimately it is i to choose what i believe in.

my dinner was a banana, a few pieces of seaweed and half a can of water-packed tuna.

now i have disgusting little bits of tuna stuck to my teeth.

there was a write-up about me in streats! hahahaha!

but my name wasn't mentioned, because i would get disqualified.

but my picture was in there!!

seems like i get into ketosis really quick nowadays. i just ate 4 hours ago and now i feel those signs again.

i fall sick easily too.

must be bad karma.

going to meditate on that.

i made it to the second audition.

no big deal, still called audition. why make such a big fuss about it?

went to register for singapore idol and ended up being interviewed and filmed. and on a day when i wasn't wearing any makeup!!! and i was wearing a ratty old tank with my faded old bermudas! with my hair in a careless topknot!

i gotta look nicer for my audition tomorrow.

so tired! but thank god it's vesak day tomorrow.

singapore idol. what a joke. i dont see what's the big deal about it. it's just a singing competition. i dont feel excited about it. i dont even dare tell people i'm taking part in it until they ask me. then i'll quickly change the subject. it's embarrassing.

i have a tummy ache. but i'm hungry.

i am filled with power, wonder and strength.