Dear ******,
I miss you, do you miss me too? It's been such a long long time I've seen your face. A long long time since I've confided in you. If only you hadn't left, I wouldn't have turned out into this mess.
I've been trying to figure out who am I. My moods change dramatically from one moment to the next. And though I may act like a stand up comedian to one person, I would ignore another, even if I like them both equally. I've been controlling my temper rather well. I realised that though it is a thrill to be angry and destroy things, it is much more easier and less exhausting to just drop it and look for other things to be amused at.
Well. Let me admit. I went into a relationship last year, but it didn't work out. His name is Derrick Vennard and he is an Anglo-Portuguese Singaporean. He's not very cute actually. In fact he was very skinny. But he treated me really well. So well so that I felt being guilty with him. Then I began to see faults in him. So we broke up.
Guess I'm still too immature.
But I've learnt alot from this experience. Like the last letter I wrote you, I've realised a relationship requires a lot of self-discipline, personal space and time. I'm still as narcissistic as ever, there is no room in my heart for a another person. I would rather love than be loved, because I want freedom. Not suffocation.
In my last letter, I said that I still cry when I think of you. I still do. I think I'll always cry when I think of you. You were my bastion of strength. But now you're not here anymore. Sometimes when I come home, when I stand at the door, I can still hear you lazing on the couch watching Channel 8 serials. Then when I enter the house, I am greeted with consuming silence. An empty house.
I guess that's enough for now. I hope you'll read this letter, but then that's wishful thinking. But I know you'll always love me, and will always think of me.
Wherever you are, God Bless and thank you.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, July 22
Which HP Kid Are You?
err.......me is both?
Which [Charlie's Angels] characters are you?
i like lucy liu.
WOOHOO~
Yet again we slogged to get a tiny gilt-plated plaque that says Gold, and entry into Choral Excellence, only to graduate and start life all over again. But well, at least we, Class of 2003, left a legacy behind.
After school Dhaniah and I went to explore our inner Gaias. We climbed a tree and sat on the branches and talked about life past, present and future. Then she taught me the song we were spozed to jam on Thursday. A bunch of cheekos in uniform came by and tried in vain to catch our attention by saying we're indecently exposed. We ignored them and they grew tired and slunk away.
We saw a blue-headed little lizard, a huge bumble bee and about half a dozen curious on-lookers trying to figure out why on earth is those two demented schoolgirls doing singing karaoke in a tree.
Yet again we slogged to get a tiny gilt-plated plaque that says Gold, and entry into Choral Excellence, only to graduate and start life all over again. But well, at least we, Class of 2003, left a legacy behind.
After school Dhaniah and I went to explore our inner Gaias. We climbed a tree and sat on the branches and talked about life past, present and future. Then she taught me the song we were spozed to jam on Thursday. A bunch of cheekos in uniform came by and tried in vain to catch our attention by saying we're indecently exposed. We ignored them and they grew tired and slunk away.
We saw a blue-headed little lizard, a huge bumble bee and about half a dozen curious on-lookers trying to figure out why on earth is those two demented schoolgirls doing singing karaoke in a tree.
Wednesday, July 16
I shall resolve to be happier and less pessimistic. I shall clean up my vocabulary and correct the way I walk. I shall limit myself to fifteen expletives a day and think happy thoughts. I shall not be depressive or insulting, and I shall be nice to people worth being nice to. I shall stop beating Weihao up for no reason. Instead, I shall find a reason before whacking him.
My foots hurt. Went looking for ethnic clothes with Dhaniah. Considering getting the funny Indian/African/Arabian shirt, except it makes me look like a scarecrow.
Going to watch Holland V. I totally hate these characters: Siting, Lingling's husband, the bapok, Lingling's ex-boss and Edison.
My foots hurt. Went looking for ethnic clothes with Dhaniah. Considering getting the funny Indian/African/Arabian shirt, except it makes me look like a scarecrow.
Going to watch Holland V. I totally hate these characters: Siting, Lingling's husband, the bapok, Lingling's ex-boss and Edison.
Saturday, July 12
Gramma and Grampa will be staying here for a WEEK!! Finally I can get to live a decent life eating decent food looking at real loving couples. Things between Mom and Dad are see-sawing. Right now they are gibbering about the TV wondering what went wrong with a PLASMA TV (there only happened to be one colour on it. Blue.)
Oh. I think its repaired already.
My feet really really hurt. I think I'll give ballet a miss tomorrow. I'll never going to pull off that stunt again, what with getting shoes and socks sloshed with rain and then standing at attention in an air-conditioned auditorium for 5 hours while killing me softly with my feet.
Today we went to Fairfield Methodist to cavort with the Methodist people and the Cheena people from River Valley. Another 5 hours of standing on socked foots. Taught Agnes Wong some Cantonese expletives and she was so horrified she rubbed me with her religious talisman.
Oh yah I saw Jia Hui while going home today.
Oh. I think its repaired already.
My feet really really hurt. I think I'll give ballet a miss tomorrow. I'll never going to pull off that stunt again, what with getting shoes and socks sloshed with rain and then standing at attention in an air-conditioned auditorium for 5 hours while killing me softly with my feet.
Today we went to Fairfield Methodist to cavort with the Methodist people and the Cheena people from River Valley. Another 5 hours of standing on socked foots. Taught Agnes Wong some Cantonese expletives and she was so horrified she rubbed me with her religious talisman.
Oh yah I saw Jia Hui while going home today.
livingdeaddolls
you are dark. and pretty scary.
you hate the world. and dont give a shit about
them.
what type of doll are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, July 10
Ha!
Relationships don't last. Take a look around you. Look at Mom and Dad. Look at myself. Look at yourself.
So it's best to always love yourself the most and don't love anyone else. The opposite sex was created for a quick shag. Dance a little dance, make a little love. But never commit yourself to it or else you'll find yourself smack-bang married with two adolescent kids and a boring spouse.
Why must we get married in order to be respectable in this stifling Asian-traditioned society? Asian values are honorable and noble, but just not too cut-out for modernistas and modernistos like us. What's wrong with polygamy and cohabitation and children born out of wedlock and unmarried parents and gay parents/children?
But fine. Let them people rush about falling in love getting married. I'll just remain single and unavailable my whole life.
Like I said, I know you don't like me, so don't talk to me.
Relationships don't last. Take a look around you. Look at Mom and Dad. Look at myself. Look at yourself.
So it's best to always love yourself the most and don't love anyone else. The opposite sex was created for a quick shag. Dance a little dance, make a little love. But never commit yourself to it or else you'll find yourself smack-bang married with two adolescent kids and a boring spouse.
Why must we get married in order to be respectable in this stifling Asian-traditioned society? Asian values are honorable and noble, but just not too cut-out for modernistas and modernistos like us. What's wrong with polygamy and cohabitation and children born out of wedlock and unmarried parents and gay parents/children?
But fine. Let them people rush about falling in love getting married. I'll just remain single and unavailable my whole life.
Like I said, I know you don't like me, so don't talk to me.
Monday, July 7
PUNK ROCK : Like a revived species of nearly extinct salamander, Punk Rock Asian Girls are a rare type, but slowly climbing up to existence again. Your passions are mainly music and anime and you've probably dyed your hair some odd color of the rainbrow. And if you haven't, you probably will. You often feel like you are misunderstood, but don't worry. Just think about thongs. Very funny.
What Asian Girl Are You?
VISIT HTTP://JEALOUSY.TK
Spurred on by the recent purchase of the 29-inch plasma TV, Dad bought the entire home theatre set and a 100-watt woofer. The windows vibrate to the beat of the music. If you close your eyes, get your whole family to scream and mosh together, and play Blink 182 on the stereo, you can just forget about queueing for concert tickets.
Right now I'm practicing lindy hop, with Stupid Cupid blasting from the speakers.
Great News! My first book is finished! Book One: Berets and Bad Lads of the Lulu's Mind series! I only wonder if anyone would bother to publish it. I'm starting on Book Two: Frogs, Etoiles and Berets now.
A/N: Charlene, sorry about it, but Lulu didn't go with Ewan in the end. Why should all stories end with a couple? We girls should be independent!
Right now I'm practicing lindy hop, with Stupid Cupid blasting from the speakers.
Great News! My first book is finished! Book One: Berets and Bad Lads of the Lulu's Mind series! I only wonder if anyone would bother to publish it. I'm starting on Book Two: Frogs, Etoiles and Berets now.
A/N: Charlene, sorry about it, but Lulu didn't go with Ewan in the end. Why should all stories end with a couple? We girls should be independent!
Saturday, July 5
Tuesday, July 1
1st of July! (yeah whaddafuck?)
Horrigible prelim orals today! I practised 5 different ways of saying "I don't know" in Chinese, much to the examiner's chagrin. I mean, what the HELL is he saying anyway?
After orals I went lunch with Ber and Lisi. Had fun bitching about some people, which climaxed in a cupful of root beer down my front. Then had to sit sumo-style for uniform to dry. On the way back to school I saw my 'brudder' across the street. Waved to him and Azizi. By the way my brudder is Joey Oyada Jr.
Mugged in the sub-zero continent of .search lab in school. Fingers turned fairly blue while my brain turned green. Was studying the microbes chapter in Blodge. Virus and bacteria and the like. They look really cute. I wonder if there are any coccus bacterium with a single flagellum. Maybe it will be called Spermus Cocci.
Josephine LaMarr hates being called Jojo. Call me Joey or Josephine or P.W., but NEVER Jojo.
Horrigible prelim orals today! I practised 5 different ways of saying "I don't know" in Chinese, much to the examiner's chagrin. I mean, what the HELL is he saying anyway?
After orals I went lunch with Ber and Lisi. Had fun bitching about some people, which climaxed in a cupful of root beer down my front. Then had to sit sumo-style for uniform to dry. On the way back to school I saw my 'brudder' across the street. Waved to him and Azizi. By the way my brudder is Joey Oyada Jr.
Mugged in the sub-zero continent of .search lab in school. Fingers turned fairly blue while my brain turned green. Was studying the microbes chapter in Blodge. Virus and bacteria and the like. They look really cute. I wonder if there are any coccus bacterium with a single flagellum. Maybe it will be called Spermus Cocci.
Josephine LaMarr hates being called Jojo. Call me Joey or Josephine or P.W., but NEVER Jojo.
Monday, June 30
Watch out Vidal Sassoon! When I brandish my scissors no one can stop me!
I gave Wee Meng a teeny trim and a bit of thinning, and Zhao a major makeover. This is my best attempt at hairdressing so far. I guess it's because I've got experience with his hair before. I practised sloping on him, something which I've never done before. I must say it turned out better than expected, although the edges are pretty uneven, the result of Zhao falling asleep and tilting his head aside. But finally I got the mop on his head down to a perfectly respectable haircut.
Between my brother and I we ate two large pizzas last night. Mom and Dad won't be home till Wednesday, so it's -whoohoo- livin' solo right now. The house is getting into a beautiful mess.
I'm never eating pizzas again.
I gave Wee Meng a teeny trim and a bit of thinning, and Zhao a major makeover. This is my best attempt at hairdressing so far. I guess it's because I've got experience with his hair before. I practised sloping on him, something which I've never done before. I must say it turned out better than expected, although the edges are pretty uneven, the result of Zhao falling asleep and tilting his head aside. But finally I got the mop on his head down to a perfectly respectable haircut.
Between my brother and I we ate two large pizzas last night. Mom and Dad won't be home till Wednesday, so it's -whoohoo- livin' solo right now. The house is getting into a beautiful mess.
I'm never eating pizzas again.
Saturday, June 28
Wow, i HATE this new layout for Blogger.
Wednesday was really fun, because I finally stepped out of my own shell and went to town with Dhaniah. We went to Chinatown, that is. Kreta Ayer. Niu Che Shui. So we decided to use the new NE-Line to go to Chinatown instead of traipsing all the way to Bedok and taking a bus. The story goes:
We made our way down to Dhoby Ghaut station, then walked about like blind loons looking for the NE-Line. Then went with the general flow to the other part of the station, which looked like a hospital lobby. We stepped onto the conveyor, and got smashed like tuna. I stupidly looked down at my feet and stepped around, wondering why it didn't descend then realised it was a conveyor, not an escalator. Dhaniah was already convulsing with laughter.
When we got onto the spanking new trains, we looked incredulously at the curious-looking two-toned seats. It was surprisingly comfy. Our reflections were extremely magnified, by the way.
When we reached Chinatown station, it was as crowded as China. Hoo~. The address on Dhaniah's card said New Bridge Road, so we exited Entrance A. Then walked around like blind loons looking for Chinatown Point. While we were doing so it began to rain again. Somehow we found the building and then tore our hair out when we saw a MRT exit just beside it.
Anyway we went into New Age Circle. I bought 100g of crystals, and I could only identify a couple. Rose quartz, tiger-eye, blue lace agate and aventurine. The rest looked as foreign to me as aquarium pebbles.
Mission accomplished, we traipsed back to the station. Then feeling adventurous, we decided to stop at Clarke Quay station to explore the nightclubs. However we went into Kinokuniya's instead and looked at Wicca grimoires.
Finally time threatened to throw us out, so we went our separate ways home.
Today I gave Brother the Aventurine Stone.
Wednesday was really fun, because I finally stepped out of my own shell and went to town with Dhaniah. We went to Chinatown, that is. Kreta Ayer. Niu Che Shui. So we decided to use the new NE-Line to go to Chinatown instead of traipsing all the way to Bedok and taking a bus. The story goes:
We made our way down to Dhoby Ghaut station, then walked about like blind loons looking for the NE-Line. Then went with the general flow to the other part of the station, which looked like a hospital lobby. We stepped onto the conveyor, and got smashed like tuna. I stupidly looked down at my feet and stepped around, wondering why it didn't descend then realised it was a conveyor, not an escalator. Dhaniah was already convulsing with laughter.
When we got onto the spanking new trains, we looked incredulously at the curious-looking two-toned seats. It was surprisingly comfy. Our reflections were extremely magnified, by the way.
When we reached Chinatown station, it was as crowded as China. Hoo~. The address on Dhaniah's card said New Bridge Road, so we exited Entrance A. Then walked around like blind loons looking for Chinatown Point. While we were doing so it began to rain again. Somehow we found the building and then tore our hair out when we saw a MRT exit just beside it.
Anyway we went into New Age Circle. I bought 100g of crystals, and I could only identify a couple. Rose quartz, tiger-eye, blue lace agate and aventurine. The rest looked as foreign to me as aquarium pebbles.
Mission accomplished, we traipsed back to the station. Then feeling adventurous, we decided to stop at Clarke Quay station to explore the nightclubs. However we went into Kinokuniya's instead and looked at Wicca grimoires.
Finally time threatened to throw us out, so we went our separate ways home.
Today I gave Brother the Aventurine Stone.
Friday, June 20
Okay I'll continue where I left off. I had to go out for dinner with Dad. When coming back we saw this really sad old lady selling tissue packets. Dad gave me 2 bucks to give her, and when I handed her the money, I was knocked out by the look of joy on her face. She gave me a lifetime supply of tissure packets. But it wasn't the packets. it was the happiness, the pure unadulterated happiness.
Man, this is so cool.
Dhaniah got her prom frock ALREADY! Without waiting for me! Anyway if anybody would wait for me she would have to wait till the day before prom. I haven't decided what to wear. The usual floor length frock? Or my original full-length black and gold cheongsam idea? Or the flea market frock? Or Mom's wedding gown?
I do scrimp.
Man, this is so cool.
Dhaniah got her prom frock ALREADY! Without waiting for me! Anyway if anybody would wait for me she would have to wait till the day before prom. I haven't decided what to wear. The usual floor length frock? Or my original full-length black and gold cheongsam idea? Or the flea market frock? Or Mom's wedding gown?
I do scrimp.
Well I was just thinking, am I changing? How come I'm not funny anymore? Well, that's not the only change. I realised that I have lost my voice and my touch for singing. But that doesn't bother me. I hate it when people think I'm just somebody who spends her whole life yapping operettas. I don't, you ignorant fools. Anyway I was just saying I lost my singing voice but I really don't care. I'm planning on taking up the cello someday. Perhaps after the GCSEs.
I also realise that I'm not bimbotic any more. I'm also not the sullen depressed person either. I guess I'm finally settling down and being normal. I've stopped listening to my unhealthy music (Iron Maiden, Marilyn Manson) and now listening to classical and new age. Currently I'm listening to Tibetan Chakras. Singing bowls and flute stuff. Mom is going off to Korea, I requested a pansori CD. Since I can't sing, it won't hurt to hear another person sing.
I've got a new penpal. His name is Calven Wong Yun, an 18yo guy from Zhanjiang, Guangdong. It's reassuring to find out he didn't die of SARS. His English is also much better than Matt Hollis, the Florida penpal from 2 years ago. Matt is enlisting for the U.S. Marine Corps in August. Hopefully he won't die.
I also realise that I'm not bimbotic any more. I'm also not the sullen depressed person either. I guess I'm finally settling down and being normal. I've stopped listening to my unhealthy music (Iron Maiden, Marilyn Manson) and now listening to classical and new age. Currently I'm listening to Tibetan Chakras. Singing bowls and flute stuff. Mom is going off to Korea, I requested a pansori CD. Since I can't sing, it won't hurt to hear another person sing.
I've got a new penpal. His name is Calven Wong Yun, an 18yo guy from Zhanjiang, Guangdong. It's reassuring to find out he didn't die of SARS. His English is also much better than Matt Hollis, the Florida penpal from 2 years ago. Matt is enlisting for the U.S. Marine Corps in August. Hopefully he won't die.
Friday, June 13
I KNOW: how it is to be a double-extremist
I WANT: to be normal
I HAVE: a pair of breasts
I WISH: i wasn't born androgynous
I HATE: men and roaches
I FEAR: dark
I HEAR: voices
I SEARCH: for my real, normal identity and my gender
I WONDER: why is there a scar running down from my navel to my privates
I REGRET: whacking the teeth out of a little boy 7 years ago
I LOVE: william dafoe
I ACHE: occasionally, my breasts and the scar
I CARE: i don't care.
I ALWAYS: sit too long on the toilet bowl
I AM NOT: female. nor male.
I DANCE: ballet
I SING: opera
I CRY: in english
I FIGHT: with teeth and nails like a real woman
I WRITE: poetry, curses, fuck words etc
I WIN: feeling guilty
I LOSE: feeling regret
I CONFUSE: people who think they understand me
I LISTEN: and then resume the limelight
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the loos checking my gender
I NEED: to know
I AM HAPPY: when there's nobody around
I SHOULD HAVE: hecked with my studies and start my business
I WANT: to be normal
I HAVE: a pair of breasts
I WISH: i wasn't born androgynous
I HATE: men and roaches
I FEAR: dark
I HEAR: voices
I SEARCH: for my real, normal identity and my gender
I WONDER: why is there a scar running down from my navel to my privates
I REGRET: whacking the teeth out of a little boy 7 years ago
I LOVE: william dafoe
I ACHE: occasionally, my breasts and the scar
I CARE: i don't care.
I ALWAYS: sit too long on the toilet bowl
I AM NOT: female. nor male.
I DANCE: ballet
I SING: opera
I CRY: in english
I FIGHT: with teeth and nails like a real woman
I WRITE: poetry, curses, fuck words etc
I WIN: feeling guilty
I LOSE: feeling regret
I CONFUSE: people who think they understand me
I LISTEN: and then resume the limelight
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the loos checking my gender
I NEED: to know
I AM HAPPY: when there's nobody around
I SHOULD HAVE: hecked with my studies and start my business