i feel that deep down inside i'm just plain as dirt and common as water. we all are. but it depends on what we shroud ourselves with.

some people plant flowers and trees. some people build palaces and skyscrapers. some people just leave things as they are, just dirt and water.

some people think that they are creme souffle and all the rest are jello. but we're not. we're all just unprocessed gelatin.

anyway i'm just rambling. there's no implicit meaning to my words, so don't think too much on them. i don't like thinking and i don't like to make people think.

i wish upon a star
wanna be right where you are
you set my world on fire
babe i got a crush on you
i wish upon a star
can't you see how right we are
we should be together
babe i got a crush on you
 
--Tata Young, "Crush On You"

even my mom commented that my face and neck color don't match.

maybe i've taken the skin-whitening thing a little too much to the extreme.

i'm an asian michael jackson...i need my oxygen room.

i had dinner with the birthday boy. since it was his birthday, i paid for his dinner, which was rather dismal. a bowl of rice, a bowl of soup, a little container of kimchi and a plate of mush.

still have lots to do. history outlines, pw survey rationales.

but i'm happy! giggle giggle giggle. things are getting better! at least i think my health's recovering, and someone's finally starting to notice my existence. whee~

why do people treat me like an invalid? being rejected from singapore idol isn't as devastating as you make it out to be. singing may be everything to me, but singing does not equal to singapore idol. and for your info, singing isn't everything to me. musical theatre is everything to me.

sheesh.

finally i can proudly say that i'm a singapore idol reject!

it was pretty fun, cept for that moment when i was singing. it was terrible! but well i had a reason to do badly. when that episode is aired on tv, watch my face carefully as i was singing. you'll notice that i was on the verge of fainting!

it's hilarious, i tell you.

i kept singing faster and faster and finally gave up. twice. and blew my third chance away.

i'm not as disappointed as the other rejects, save for dhaniah, but i shamelessly admit, i kinda liked the sympathy and "awwwwws" and "come-give-you-a-hugs" i got from those nicer people like gillian, celine and kelline (spelling??). and i also met some great guys like jonathan (the luckiest guy, i think), nelson, leonard (funny funny) and those names i can't recall.

hey, at least ken lim said i had potential. although he was just prolly staring at my chest.

i sound like rod stewart. the doctor poked my ass with a needle. i feel woozy. my skin is pasty and my hair is frizzy. my period's due.
 
and singapore idol tomorrow.
 
oh goddesses where art thou.
 
oh buddha protect me against mala.

my tongue hurts in 3 places. my throat is smarting from practicing. my skin is blotchy and pale. i just gained 1 kg.
 
i am so demoralized.
 
the judges are going to tell me to go home.
 
o goddesses. where are you when i need you?

spent the day lazing about the house. forgot to do my art box!!

so right now i've decided to papier mache the box and paint pictures of greek goddesses on it.

cept i haven't started.

i cant believe my mom.

she is so totally insensitive. she is so worried about my gym and spa membership cards and her measly popular discount card. she went ballistic when she found out i had not lost $30, but $80. HELLO!! the important thing here, like what my dad says, is NOT the fucking money but the fucking IC.

great.

she's got it in her head that the girl stole my wallet. or else some dude picks it up and sells my IC to a china whore for a few thousand bucks. so with my IC they can borrow money from loansharks and the loansharks will come over to our house and set fire and hang a pig's head at our door and rape me and sell me to a brothel.

then i told her about my library card inside too. and she went ballistic again, this time about the thief using my library card to borrow books and not return and i'll have to pay the fines. argh. that's so stupid, cos you can borrow books using the fucking IC, geddit you stretch-marked old cow of a mother?

she keeps blaming me, making wild exaggerations, digging up history she made up, acting like she never lost a thing (HA!) in her whole life. and she's my MOTHER. can't she even give me some support? i get more support from my pillow than from her.

finally she shut up when i told her i was going to report to the police tomorrow.

i may be having pre-menstrual syndrome, but that's still better than my mom. she has permanent-menstrual synrome.

it seems that my life is no longer a long drawn-out spongebob episode. instead of wanting to laugh every moment, i feel it's hard to smile and be polite to even my classmates. i snap at them like a snapper fish. just today i snapped at andy because he kept clearing his throat and it was really getting on my nerves.

i can't stand being with people for longer than 5 minutes. today before a level oral, i came and sat with my classmates, but something was bugging me until i had to get up and walk away on my own.

everytime i'm mean and short-tempered with someone, i feel like crying.

why do i feel so bad nowadays? why is it that every little thing somebody does is starting to really Really REALLY piss me off? why is it that when i walk home from school, i'm not smiling and enjoying the air, but sulking and staring at the ground?

either everyone is becoming extraordinarily low-IQed or i'm becoming a pre-menstrual bitch.

oh, fuck the solar system, like it's gonna make me pregnant anyway.

i am so pissed. i lost my wallet with everything in it. my IC, my ez-link, my student pass, my gym and spa membership cards, my popular discount card, my photocopy cash card, my 2 buddhist talismans, cash and the wallet itself.

i'm very sure it's in the bus, when i dropped everything on the floor, or else the girl who helped me pick the stuff up pickpocketed my wallet.

my dad kept lecturing me and rubbing it in and finally he concluded his lecture with, "anyway, you have to face it yourself."

to top it off i have a cut on my finger and it keeps splitting open.

i feel so down.

i will follow him
follow him wherever he may go
there isn't no mountain too high
no river so wide it can keep
keep me away

i love him
i love him
i love him
and where he goes
i follow
i follow --

spoken: you sick creep!

-- Jackie Chan, "The First Strike"

there's a really big problem with my blogger, my posts won't show up, so don't scream at me for not updating.

i keep telling myself that he is so wrong, but in the end i always look around to see his face.

not that he's all that good-looking anyway.

notice the guys i *really* like aren't good-looking to normal standards? whenever i tell people i think wong hei is the hottest actor in the world, people go, "eeee, that guy is so ugly!"

when i first saw him i thought he was really hideous-looking. i didn't even want to talk to him or get close to him. but well i had to, and he's really not a bad person after all. now i can't stop thinking about him.

what is wrong with me? i think i'd better wash my hair to cleanse my thoughts.

not been blogging for a long time.

my fingers were lazy.

OBS was bad. the instructors were sex perverts. especially the monkey-looking guy one from livingstone. eck.

school was ok. managed to live through the first week and managed to complete 5 essays out of the 7 i didnt do. so now i have 2 essays. plus another 4 more new ones.

somebody get me a paper bag.

singapore idol. i got insulted cos dick lee called me a chorus girl. uncle gurmit was nice. he was wearing lip gloss.

my mom's in bintang. enjoying herself at a spa.

my brother is on a three-day medical leave. his condition? too much shit in him.

i'm incapable of writing a coherent blog entry in prose form.