how come my powerwebmusic thing doesn't appear? dont you know how important anita mui is to me?

i wish i could fit in. but as usual i stick out like a sore thumb, because try as i might, i can never keep my mouth shut and my hands to myself at the same time. it's one or the other or none. never both.

i dont mind people. but i dont really like them. i prefer to be on my own, be it meditating in the library or singing onstage. even when i do my exercises and barre work, i have to be totally alone. and i hate crowds. oh, crowds are okay if the people are sitting around in the audience and i'm onstage. but crowds absolutely suck when i'm stuck in the middle of one.

eh i think that's why i'm always acting psycho around people. because i want people to get away from me and leave me alone.

i miss 402. at least there i have dhaniah, zhao and the funkalistas. btw i think funkalistas is a pretty chilidish name, like something out of sweet valley kids. but we had fun, didnt we? zhao is great companionship because he always cracks me up and he lets me practise my hairdressing skills on him. and dhaniah. oooh dhaniah. you know how i feel about you already right?

do i always look sad? i'm not looking sad. i'm looking indifferent, because nothing really bothers me and i cant be bothered either. like what i said to clarence, there is nothing going on under my forehead. other than during lectures and tutorials, my mind is like a lake that is smooth and flat like a mirror.

when will charles be back? i'm getting restless already. not to mention out of tune. and growing fat.

haha.

when i was 3, i wanted to become a princess.

when i was 5, i wanted to become an artist.

when i was 7, i wanted to become a dancer.

when i was 9, i wanted to become a gynaecologist.

when i was 10, i wanted to become an actress.

when i was 12, i wanted to become a stockbroker.

when i was 13, i wanted to become a broadway actress.

when i was 14, i wanted to marry an african king.

when i was 15, i wanted to become a rock star.

when i was 16, i wanted to become a movie director for gay porn.

what do i want to be now?

i am so bored with my life. i am itching for adventure. i crave adventure! is my life to be doomed like that forever? i need excitement in my life! i can't go on living like this, monotonous and predictable!

and i am so bored with my life.

i am a hopeless romantic. i believe in love. but i'm am far too idealistic to fall headlong into beautiful sacred love. something's holding me back. something called reality. what am i?

on one hand i am a dreamer. on the other hand i am a hard-headed realist.

that is why i believe i can never have adventure and love in my life.

i watched moulin rouge yesterday. regardless of the fact that i watched it thousands of times, it never fails to take my breath away. fantastic music, beautiful people, amazing cinematography, it's all my fantasies rolled into one great movie.

dhaniah came over in the afternoon. yay! we talked and talked and talked and talked. we talked in the dark, with only one candle for illumination. then we watched beauty and the beast, the special edition, then watched the making of it. it was then i realized how backward and lousy the quality of the cartoon was back in 1991. i've been spoilt by all the fantastic re-editing and pixar animation films.

i dreamt of moulin rouge last night, and i'm going to write a sequel. har har!

my nails are painted blood red to match my dress. took about 2 hours to do a perfect job. and now i'm gonna remove em all and paint em sparkly pink to match tomorrow's outfit.

hoo haa.

got angpows, haven't counted the money yet. whee~. they are pretty thick. hope not thick with 2-dollar notes.

singapore idol. what shit is that. all my relatives are telling me to join. what the fuck? so am i spozed to ride into the room in a scooter am i? dammit i'm not joining singapore idol, get the point? i'm not ready to cheapen myself to the point of being a karaoke wannabe.

gee but i LOVE karaoke. i HATE judges.

went back to anderson today. met the old youknowwho. still feel that flutter. well, there are crushes that will go on forever, even if i'm married with six kids.

cannot go to malaysia this year. this is the first time in my whole life i'm not going to malaysia for the reunion dinner. this is because gorti is in NS and is not allowed to get out of the country. oh yeah. gorti got released from camp yesterday, and came home smelling worse than the boys' toilet. and his hair! botak boy!

i'm so happy gorti is back though. i dont feel so depressed anymore. well i guess my depression stems from being separated from dhaniah and gorti. no one to talk to, no one to confide in.

yay! gorti is back! for 5 days!

i will go to school everyday with a little bottle of kerosene and keep it in my locker. when that locker is full i shall get another locker and fill it with bottles of kerosene. then when i have enough kerosene i will pour kerosene into all the electrical generators and set fire to them. then i shall plant a huge fertilizer bomb in the quadrangle and set fire to it too, when everybody is still having their lessons. then i will shut both gates and chain them up. i will surround the school with kerosene and set fire to it, and i will sit in the bus stop laughing as my schoolmates and lecturers scream in pain and agony.

ah. today was quite a good day, considering it's mutti's birthday today. i saw him yet again in a lecture, but didn't get to interact with him. but i dont care. he's not the only guy. there will be others. i will become more confident and i will lose weight and i will try to be less intimidating.

i ponned GP today with the reason that i have to go overseas today. haha. actually it is spozed to be tomorrow, but i had to meet laura to pass her flinzy's prezzie, since i wont be in school tomorrow. after passing the prezzie i went for last minute shopping. i got a skirt (finally) for myself. then i bought 2 huge candles and a fridge magnet for mutti. then decided to buy a box to put the loot in.

donovan is a fantastic pianist. he never makes mistakes.

i chatted with terri-anne today and found out she was actually really nice. pretty too.

managed to get through the day because i kept running the lines of my theme song through my head. it keeps me sane.

i am beautiful
no matter what they say
words can't bring me down
i am beautiful
in every single way
yes words can't bring me down
oh no
so don't you bring me down today

i'm sitting in the school library, and its spozed to be chinese lesson now but i dont give a fuck and i'm skipping GP this afternoon.

saw him again today. i hate myself for liking him and i hate him for making me like him. but i'm happier now though. after bashing myself on the head a few times and hearing a few dirty jokes, i know now that life is spozed to be run by ME, life is spozed to be happy and goofy like a drawn-out spongebob cartoon.

i have to be myself. i have to love myself, and i do love myself. the difficult part is figuring out who i am, before i can be myself. if you really know me, you'd realise that i have multiple personalities. i think its because i have violent mood swings. i feel confused. but i'm learning.

i wish i was more in control of my feelings. i burst out and clam up like nobody's business and i'm trying so damn hard to be consistent. i'm trying so hard to fit in, but i just stick out like a bloody sore thumb. i hate it when people just sneer at me and trample all over me behind my back, when in front of me they act like they're scared of me.

i have my dignity, thank you very much. i do NOT want to act like a slut. but i'm not a nun either. i'm not a bitch. i have feelings, god damn you.

i think i'm the only sane person in this madhouse of animals in heat. yet they make it out like I'M the one who is crazy, who is strange and mental and deserves to be locked up because she is ugly and unfriendly and prissy.

i hate you all. if you push me any further, i'll burn down the school, all of you included. and i'll stand there laughing with glee while i hear you scream in agony.

sweet revenge.

i hate myself because i have a crush on a guy who does things against my morals. and because of that i try to ignore him and i'm dying inside. and everyday i go to school knowing that i'll never gonna get him because he is way out of my league. because he does things i despise, but i just can't keep my eyes off him because...because he's everything i want to be. good-looking, confident, athletic, charming. he's everything i want to be, so much that i want him.

but i can't have him.

fuck this world. i should buy an inflatable doll.

shitty jackie chan movie. what shit ending was that?!?!

i have a huge crush on guo liang.

yes, that guy who is currently acting as suo er tu in ji xiang ru yi. it's like, whoa! didn't know he could be so hot!

if i could go back in time i'd want to go to the qing dynasty era, in the reign of kangxi/qianlong. cos i think the manchu style makes men look really manly. it's like, you make it or you don't. so pips like tuo zhi will be labelled hopeless and pips like guo liang will be labelled sex god.

yay jackie chan movie on tv now!

my father is the holiest, most devout man i have known personally. he gets up very early to pray and meditate, he doesnt harm animals or insects, he doesnt drink or smoke or eat meat and he is always at peace with himself. he has never harmed another person, he doesnt blaspheme and swear and he goes all out to help others in distress wholeheartedly. but my father is buddhist, not christian.

will he burn in hell too?

buddhism teaches of spiritual purification through reincarnation until one's soul has achieved perfection. buddhism is not devil-worshipping. however we buddhists will still burn in hell because we dont believe in god??

yuxi you are so biased against non-christians. it really irks me when over-zealous christians demean and insult other people of different faiths. you can be buddhist or hindu or muslim or wiccan or sikh or raelian and be the most damned religious person in the world and prolly the most perfect being god has created, and still burn in hell because you're not a christian. leave us alone, and let us believe in what we want to believe. it is not right damning us to hell like that.

if you're so free why dont you damn the evil-doers instead?

who can fix my broken music box?
who can make it come back to life?
who can allow the little plastic ballerina to dance?
who can make me smile as i hear it whirr?
who can make it play "love story" again?
who can make the pureness of the notes tinkle?
let them think it broken
let them think it hopeless
i do not care for i know better
someone will fix my broken music box
and applaud when i sing with it
my voice raising higher and bringing tears
a singer's jewels
together with my broken music box
together with me
together with the one who can fix my
broken music box

-- Me, duh

i hate my school. i hate almost all the people in it. of course there are some decent people, but they arent dhaniahs. the people from single-sex schools act like animals in heat.

god i want to get out of school. or be privately tutored. i love my classes. finally i really enjoy lessons (except econs; thats a different story) and i actually do my assignments (except econs; thats a different story). i pay more attention in all my classes (except econs; thats a different story) and i actually like the lecturers (exept econs; thats a different story).

i was hoping that i would be left alone, but somehow i wasnt spared from the attention of the horny devils. everywhere i turn there will be SJI/CHS/TCH/RI/SA/SP/VS boys trying to look down my shirt or up my skirt. damn this is a SICK world i'm living in now!!

gorti is leaving tmr for NS and i wont be seeing him anymore. except next week for CNY. then he'll be gone for months marooned on tekong. which means i'll get possession of his porn movies.

oh btw i dont want to be a roxy girl anymore. if i become a roxy girl the guys will take more chances with me. as of now i have punched 3 guys, slapped 1 and humiliated 14.

i truly hate my current situation. i wish tomorrow would never come.

i really shouldn't say this, but i'm really jealous of the roxy girls. what are roxy girls? they are the type who buy their clothes from roxy, they come from RGS or SCGS, they have poser boyfriends from ACS (B) and they are always skinny and pretty. so why am i being jealous? i don't really know.

and i seriously believe if i stay on in MI, i'll kill myself or become a roxy girl myself. just today when i was going home from another depressing day at school (and it's only the 2nd day) i was seriously giving thought on being a roxy girl. i even walked into this fashion to try on the denim miniskirts that dhaniah hates so much. but i'll never buy clothes from roxy. too expensive.

if not for my disturbing case of roxyitis, MI was quite a decent school. well, apart from the total lack of guys to look at, the extremely hopeless canteen, the ancient buildings, the mats' tapered pants and this irritating bitch from st. joseph's institution, the school was rather ok. today had the shock of my life. i was sitting in the hall early this morning when i smelled very familiar cologne. so i turned around and PHWOAR!!! a derrick lookalike! i tell you, i nearly choked on my own tonsils.

i feel so greasy and dirty and stinky now, and yet mutti wants me to cook?!