Watch out Vidal Sassoon! When I brandish my scissors no one can stop me!

I gave Wee Meng a teeny trim and a bit of thinning, and Zhao a major makeover. This is my best attempt at hairdressing so far. I guess it's because I've got experience with his hair before. I practised sloping on him, something which I've never done before. I must say it turned out better than expected, although the edges are pretty uneven, the result of Zhao falling asleep and tilting his head aside. But finally I got the mop on his head down to a perfectly respectable haircut.

Between my brother and I we ate two large pizzas last night. Mom and Dad won't be home till Wednesday, so it's -whoohoo- livin' solo right now. The house is getting into a beautiful mess.

I'm never eating pizzas again.

Aventurine for my brother
Colour black
No preservatives
Solitaire
Physical Resources
Ballad Pour Adeline
Ceiling fan black

Wow, i HATE this new layout for Blogger.

Wednesday was really fun, because I finally stepped out of my own shell and went to town with Dhaniah. We went to Chinatown, that is. Kreta Ayer. Niu Che Shui. So we decided to use the new NE-Line to go to Chinatown instead of traipsing all the way to Bedok and taking a bus. The story goes:

We made our way down to Dhoby Ghaut station, then walked about like blind loons looking for the NE-Line. Then went with the general flow to the other part of the station, which looked like a hospital lobby. We stepped onto the conveyor, and got smashed like tuna. I stupidly looked down at my feet and stepped around, wondering why it didn't descend then realised it was a conveyor, not an escalator. Dhaniah was already convulsing with laughter.

When we got onto the spanking new trains, we looked incredulously at the curious-looking two-toned seats. It was surprisingly comfy. Our reflections were extremely magnified, by the way.

When we reached Chinatown station, it was as crowded as China. Hoo~. The address on Dhaniah's card said New Bridge Road, so we exited Entrance A. Then walked around like blind loons looking for Chinatown Point. While we were doing so it began to rain again. Somehow we found the building and then tore our hair out when we saw a MRT exit just beside it.

Anyway we went into New Age Circle. I bought 100g of crystals, and I could only identify a couple. Rose quartz, tiger-eye, blue lace agate and aventurine. The rest looked as foreign to me as aquarium pebbles.

Mission accomplished, we traipsed back to the station. Then feeling adventurous, we decided to stop at Clarke Quay station to explore the nightclubs. However we went into Kinokuniya's instead and looked at Wicca grimoires.

Finally time threatened to throw us out, so we went our separate ways home.

Today I gave Brother the Aventurine Stone.

Okay I'll continue where I left off. I had to go out for dinner with Dad. When coming back we saw this really sad old lady selling tissue packets. Dad gave me 2 bucks to give her, and when I handed her the money, I was knocked out by the look of joy on her face. She gave me a lifetime supply of tissure packets. But it wasn't the packets. it was the happiness, the pure unadulterated happiness.

Man, this is so cool.

Dhaniah got her prom frock ALREADY! Without waiting for me! Anyway if anybody would wait for me she would have to wait till the day before prom. I haven't decided what to wear. The usual floor length frock? Or my original full-length black and gold cheongsam idea? Or the flea market frock? Or Mom's wedding gown?

I do scrimp.

Well I was just thinking, am I changing? How come I'm not funny anymore? Well, that's not the only change. I realised that I have lost my voice and my touch for singing. But that doesn't bother me. I hate it when people think I'm just somebody who spends her whole life yapping operettas. I don't, you ignorant fools. Anyway I was just saying I lost my singing voice but I really don't care. I'm planning on taking up the cello someday. Perhaps after the GCSEs.

I also realise that I'm not bimbotic any more. I'm also not the sullen depressed person either. I guess I'm finally settling down and being normal. I've stopped listening to my unhealthy music (Iron Maiden, Marilyn Manson) and now listening to classical and new age. Currently I'm listening to Tibetan Chakras. Singing bowls and flute stuff. Mom is going off to Korea, I requested a pansori CD. Since I can't sing, it won't hurt to hear another person sing.

I've got a new penpal. His name is Calven Wong Yun, an 18yo guy from Zhanjiang, Guangdong. It's reassuring to find out he didn't die of SARS. His English is also much better than Matt Hollis, the Florida penpal from 2 years ago. Matt is enlisting for the U.S. Marine Corps in August. Hopefully he won't die.

I KNOW: how it is to be a double-extremist
I WANT: to be normal
I HAVE: a pair of breasts
I WISH: i wasn't born androgynous
I HATE: men and roaches
I FEAR: dark
I HEAR: voices
I SEARCH: for my real, normal identity and my gender
I WONDER: why is there a scar running down from my navel to my privates
I REGRET: whacking the teeth out of a little boy 7 years ago
I LOVE: william dafoe
I ACHE: occasionally, my breasts and the scar
I CARE: i don't care.
I ALWAYS: sit too long on the toilet bowl
I AM NOT: female. nor male.
I DANCE: ballet
I SING: opera
I CRY: in english
I FIGHT: with teeth and nails like a real woman
I WRITE: poetry, curses, fuck words etc
I WIN: feeling guilty
I LOSE: feeling regret
I CONFUSE: people who think they understand me
I LISTEN: and then resume the limelight
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the loos checking my gender
I NEED: to know
I AM HAPPY: when there's nobody around
I SHOULD HAVE: hecked with my studies and start my business

Renato Amoroso.

How you've grown! You've made me a dithering idiot.

I don't like you. You talk of big words and twirling sentences. It's pretentious and fake, because it screams of a big need to be different.

I don't like you. I don't like people who talk too much.

I would rather like him instead. He speaks to my soul like no one else can. He speaks with his paintings, like I speak my angst with mine. A picture tells a thousand words. He is my paint; I am the canvas. I lie naked allowing emotions to wash me crimson, azure, emerald, and at the end of the day I cover the beauty with my own paint.

Black.

I would rather love her because she makes me feel my ornery heart. But seeing her glory in his caresses gives me a crat taste in my mouth. Like black paint.

I don't like you.

Dear *******,

How are you over there? Are you being treated fine? It's been over year now. How time flies! I'm already 16 years old. I had a dream about you a few nights ago, I hope you are happy. I really miss you.

Things are rather fine with me. I've finally settled down and stopped acting like I'm on speed. I rather like being quiet and calm, it keeps me from a lot of trouble. I've also dropped most of my friends. Right now I only have one close friend, and her name is Dhaniah. You'll like her, she's nice and she controls my temper.

Right, I do still have my temper. I find it hard to stop my violence when I get angry. Just a few days ago I fought with Mama and I split a couple of my books when I threw it across my room. And today I nearly clawed Marie's eyes out and spat on her. But I'm learning to control my rage.

I never said this to you, but ever since you left, I realised something. I love you and I need you during this crucial years. If you had never left, you would've stopped me from making the mistakes I've made. You would've stopped me from becoming what I have become now. But Fate cannot be challenged. Maybe Fate wanted you to leave. Maybe Fate wanted me to learn from all the mistakes I've made.

I still cry when I think of you. But I'm starting to heal. And I'm now a great deal stronger than what I was before you left. People think I'm harsh and heartless, but I'm just trying to save myself from a lot of heartbreak.

You know what? I'm going to take your advice. I won't go into a relationship. Maybe when I'm older, I might find love, but that would be a long time. Right now, I have realised a relationship requires a lot of self-discipline, a lot of your personal space and a lot of time. The old saying "All you need is love" has been proven untrue. Of course there will be a lot of flings in the middle, but I'm not going to settle for one just yet.

Well, I guess that's all. I'm a lot wiser now, but still there's a lot to learn for this lonely heart. And I know you will always be at my side, won't you?

Wherever you are, God bless and thank you.

Love,
Me

Fuck you!

So I'm to be blamed for your current miserable state am I? So I told her to be done with you did I? So to salvage your last scraps of dignity you point your bony unpolished finger at me and proclaim me a scab that is to be removed at all costs did you?

Fuck you. From now on I'm swearing off the entire male gender. YOU SUCK! Damn your fucking pride! Damn all men that ever walked the planet and screw you! Why can't men take a few tips from women for a change? Men are stupid insipid clods with a headful of ego and jockstrap full of cotton wool.

So. Ouch, the ego has landed hasn't it? You can't take it can you? YOU ARE NOT A MAN!!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!